Testing the limits of sanity is a solitary venture. No one can stand at that brink with you. You have to go it alone. This is precisely why it is so difficult to explain where you have been when you get back.
I have tested those limits twice. And both times I went too far.
There is no denying it. I behaved outwardly in ways that scared the people who love me during my manic episodes. I developed hallucinations and delusions once I had reached that point of no return.
I certainly don’t advocate going that far. It’s not a place one should go if they can avoid it. But having been there I’d be remiss not to tell you that I am glad that I went.
You see in my experience there is a sweet spot somewhere in between (the relatively normal) ‘here’ and the (gone way too far) ‘there’. It’s a magical place where the sun is brighter, the birdsong more beautiful, and the smell of flowers more fragrant. (Really, truly – I’m not just being descriptive.)
I can recall vividly the first time I went there. It was as if my soul and I met in the middle that day for a dance to music only we could hear. I didn’t get to stay long before my mind deteriorated further, but it was blissful while I was there.
In this sweet spot cares melt away. Wrongs are healed with forgiveness. Guilt and shame disappear instantly as if they aren’t welcome. It is a place of perfection and indescribable love. Creativity thrives and flourishes. Happiness is felt at a cellular level like the entire body is smiling from the inside out. It’s a sort of middle ground where all bets are off and anything is possible.
When I am there I am beaming.
And ‘beaming’ is in fact the perfect word to describe the experience. I am be-am-ing in this place between what I so desperately think I want to ‘be’ and what I currently ‘am’.
And although the route I needed to take to find my sweet spot was meandering and circuitous (in a not-so-good-way), my path meant that I now have firsthand knowledge of a layer of consciousness that so many of us can only dream about.
I don’t recommend taking the mania and psychosis path to enlightenment – it’s an exhausting route. But I do highly recommend that you take a different path, of which there are many.
This is why I love this quote. Each and every one of us has our own music that plays just for us. And each of us will find our own way to the dance if we are open to it.
What a beautiful way to describe your experiences. It all seems very enlightening and full of life.
Thanks Mom! Parts of it were definitely enlightening 🙂 Not all of it – but thankfully some of it!
I agree with you on hypomania. It can feel amazing, but it definitely is exhausting to manage. This was a beautiful post, Sarah.
Thanks for reading Jenn!